The Portrait of a Biblical Marriage

Introduction
He showed up at our house, curled up in the back seat, drunk as a skunk. His binge drinking, always leading to drunkenness, had begun before they were married. In fact, she had first learned about his binge drinking only days before the wedding. But after more than ten years of marriage, she had had enough. It was time to bring this sin into the open.

She called as soon as she returned home from the honeymoon. It had been a disaster! She was talking about getting an annulment or filing for a divorce. He was verbally abusive. He was controlling. He was not the man she had fallen in love with.

The calls came to both of us. She was devastated to find her husband immersed (i.e., addicted) in pornography. What did she need to do, she asked my wife. Now that the sin was in the open, he was interested in salvaging his marriage. What did he need to do, he asked me.

How did these couples get there? I’ve sat with many couples who have come to us – after months or years of marriage – frustrated! I was not frustrated that they were having problems. I was not frustrated that they once had been “in love.” I was frustrated because they had unrealistic expectations about marriage. Time and time again, I have seen couples who did not seriously consider what the Scriptures had to say about marriage. They were simply unwilling to be realistic about what a biblical marriage looks like.

Where do unrealistic expectations arise? Paul David Tripp states that unrealistic expectations arise from two sources. First, it arises from the way we use Scripture. We mistakenly treat the Bible as if it were arranged by topic – a compendium of human problems and divine solutions. We run to all the marriage passages expecting that we will be able to learn all that is needed to prepare for marriage. We fail to understand that the Bible is not an encyclopedia. Rather, it is a story, the great origin-to-destiny story of redemption. But unrealistic expectations have another source. Secondly, most potential husbands and wives don’t’ want anything to mess up the unfettered affection that has left them in a virtual romantic delirium. They look at each other with glazed eyes, and they are sure that the powerful love they are feeling will get them through anything. They are sure that few people have felt the love that they have felt for one another. They know that other couples have problems, but they are convinced they are not like them. They are sure they must not have felt what they are feeling. They are in love and they are sure that everything will work out right. They are simply not interested in being realistic. [1]

If unrealistic expectations almost always lead to disappointment, how can this pre-marital course be helpful and impart “realistic” expectations? How can it provide you with a portrait of a biblical marriage, a biblical wife, a biblical husband, biblical communication, biblical love, and biblical sex? In the course of this study, I will intentionally borrow concepts/discussions from a select set of marriage resources. This is in order to introduce you to these resources so that you can see their value and consider adding them to your library. In this first session, I will be borrowing from Paul David Tripp’s, “What Did You Expect?” Let me suggest five portraits that will impart “realistic” expectations and provide you with aspects of a biblical marriage.



Grounded in the Word [1]
The first portrait is that a biblical marriage must be grounded in the Word. And in this course, the Bible will be the sole source of authority – not opinions, not experience, not societal norms. While there are many things that the Scriptures have to say (about the Christian life in general and biblical marriages specifically), let us consider just three biblical truths that can provide a basis for a biblical view of marriage:

1. You Will Be Conducting Your Marriage in a Fallen World
Keith can’t believe that he has been laid off for the second time in twelve months. Jeannie can’t believe that she has to buy gifts for each member of her husband’s family when there is insufficient money to buy even one present for her side of the family. Sarah can’t believe that her in-laws refuse to babysit her three children. Karen wonders when her husband will get off the couch and go find a full-time job for the first time in two years.

We all face the same thing. Your future marriages will exist in the middle of a world that does not function as God intended. Somehow, someway, your future marriage will be touched every day by the brokenness of our world. It is not an accident that you will be conducting your marriage in this broken world. It is not an accident that you will have to deal with the things you do. None of this is fate, chance, or luck. It is all a part of God’s redemptive plan. Acts 17:24-26 (“The God who made the world and all things in it, since He is Lord of heaven and earth, does not dwell in temples made with hands; nor is He served by human hands, as though He needed anything, since He Himself gives to all people life and breath and all things; nor is He served by human hands, as though He needed anything, since He Himself gives to all people life and breath and all things; and He made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined their appointed times and the boundaries of their habitation…”) says that He determines the exact place where you live and the exact length of your life. He knows where you live, and He is not surprised at what you will be facing. Even though you will face things that make no sense to you, there is meaning and purpose to everything you will face. I am persuaded that understanding your fallen world and God’s purpose for keeping you in it is foundational to building a biblical marriage.

There is no better window on what we face in the here-and-now world in which we live than the descriptive words that Peter uses in his first epistle: “distressed,” “trials,” and “tested” (1 Pet. 1:6-7).

Read 1 Peter 1:6-7

(“In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.”)

First, you will not escape the distress of life in the fallen world. Second, we will all face trials. We will deal with things we would never have planned for ourselves or inserted into our schedules. Third, we will be “tempered” or “refined.” Does that sound realistic? Absolutely!

Most of us have a “personal happiness” paradigm. God has a “personal holiness” paradigm. As Gary Thomas states: “What if God intended marriage to make you holy rather than happy?” The fallen world we live in – more specifically, sin -- is the biggest obstacle to a marriage of unity, understanding, and love. God uses the difficulties of the here and now to transform us. That is, He uses it to rescue us from ourselves. When we embrace God’s “personal holiness” paradigm, life not only makes sense – the things you face are not irrational troubles, but transforming tools – it immediately makes sense! Biblical truth #1 -- Biblical marriages are conducted in a fallen world.

2. You are a Sinner Who Will Be Married to a Sinner
We will say much more about this throughout the course, but you don’t get to be married to someone perfect. Both of you will bring something into your marriage that is destructive to that marriage. That thing is called sin. Most of the troubles you will face in marriage are not intentional or personal. Rather, your life will be affected by the sin, weakness, and failure of the person you will be living with.

Here’s what usually happens. When our ears hear and our eyes see the sin, weakness, or failure of our future spouse – we tend to personalize what is not personal. At the end of a bad day at work, your fiancée doesn’t say to himself – “I know what I’ll do. I’ll take my bad day out on my bride to be so that her day gets as wrecked as mine.” No, the trouble you are experiencing is not about you directly. You are in a relationship with a sinner, so you will experience his sin. Thus, we turn a moment of ministry into a moment of anger. What do I mean? When your ears hear and your eyes see the sin, weakness, or failure of your future spouse, it is never an accident; it is always grace. God loves your future spouse, and He is committed to transforming him or her by His grace, and He has chosen you to be one of His regular tools of change. So, He will cause you to see, hear, and experience your future spouse’s need for change so that you can be an agent of His rescue. Make sure that you turn these events into moments of ministry rather than moments of anger. Biblical truth #2 – Biblical marriages are made up of sinners who are married to sinners!

3. God is Faithful, Powerful, and Willing
There is one more truth that you have to include as you are trying to look at your future marriage as realistically as possible. You are not alone in your struggle. The Bible says that God is near, so near that in your moment of need, you can reach out and touch Him because He is not far from each one of us (Acts 17:27). Yes, you live in a bad neighborhood (fallen world), and the two of you are less than perfect (sin), but in all this you are not left to your own resources. Biblical truth #3 -- The God who determined your address lives there with you and is committed to giving you everything you need.

Summary: Your future marriage needs to be grounded in the Word.

Rooted in Worship [1]
Andrea pushes the food around on her plate. Another meal eaten alone. Her husband left for work at 6am, promised to be home for dinner at 8pm, and it is now 9pm and he has not shown up. She is exhausted from caring for two small children all day. She is crushed that he has failed to keep his promise for the millionth time. As a tear coursed down her cheek, she remembered Roger’s cute smile and his gentle spirit. Somewhere along the way Roger had quit being Roger. He was working seven days a week, 14 hours a day. And when he was home, he was always distracted.

While such a situation will not happen to everyone, it is the unavoidable reality of marriage. Somehow, someway, every marriage will become a struggle. Life after the honeymoon will be radically different from the honeymoon that precedes it. Somewhere along the way, you will realize that you are a sinner married to a sinner, and you are living in a broken world. At some point you will need something sturdier than romance. You will need something deeper than shared interests and mutual attraction. You will need something more than marital survival skills. You will need something that gives you peace of heart and strength of resolve when you aren’t feeling romantic and your problems are getting you down.

What will you need to do when your marriage becomes what it was not intended to be? What will you need to do in those moments when you aren’t so attracted to your future spouse? Where will you look when you are irritated, hurt, or discouraged? Where will you reach? Where will you run? You won’t find them in your future spouse. I think the answer will surprise many of you – a biblical marriage is not rooted in romance; it is rooted in worship. This is our second portrait of a biblical marriage.

The Bible teaches us that all of us are worshipers (Romans 1:19-25). When the Bible says that all of us are worshipers, it means that every human being lives for something. All of us are digging for treasure. All of us are in pursuit of some kind of dream. Behind everything we do is some kind of hope. Every one of us is in constant pursuit of life. Being a worshiper means that you attach your identity, your meaning, your purpose, and your inner sense of well-being to something. You either get these things vertically (from the Creator) or you look to get them horizontally (from the creation). Paul says specifically that we either worship the creature or the Creator (Romans 1:25). This insight has everything to do with how a marriage becomes what it is. No marriage will be unaffected when the people in the marriage are seeking to get from the creations (think your future spouses) what they were only ever meant to get from the Creator.

Marriages must be fixed vertically before they are ever fixed horizontally. We have to deal with what is driving us before we ever deal with how we are reacting to one another. Every relationship is victimized in some way when we seek to get the surrounding creation what we were designed to get from God. When God is in His rightful place, then we are on the way to putting people in their rightful place. Or stated differently, it is only in the worship of God in our marriages that we find a reason to continue.

What does a marriage rooted in the worship of God look like?

1. A biblical marriage will flow out of a daily worship of God as Creator. In subtle and not so subtle ways we all question the Creator, and in so doing we will dishonor and disrespect our future husband or wife. We end up criticizing the other for choices (physical attributes; intellectual attributes; etc.) he or she didn’t make. We all end up asking the other to change in areas where change simply is not possible. When we celebrate the Creator, we look at one another with wonder and joy. When you look at your future spouse and see the Creator’s glory, then you feel blessed by the ways your future spouse is different.
2. A biblical marriage will flow out of a daily worship of God as Sovereign. Your future marriage will be an unfolding drama written by the wise control of a loving and sovereign God. Either you worship God as sovereign and celebrate the different way of looking at the world (birth culture; family history; etc.) that your future spouse has blessed you with, or you dishonor Him by trying to rewrite His story.
3. A biblical marriage will flow out of daily worship of God as Savior. When you celebrate God as Savior, you are confronted with the reality of how much you are in desperate need of His grace. Worshiping God as Savior also means that you find joy in being part of the work of grace that God is unrelentingly committed to doing in your future spouse’s life. That is, you look for ways of incarnating the transforming grace of the Savior.

Summary: Your future marriage needs to be rooted in worship.

Kingdom Oriented [1]
Martha had always carried her dream with her like a precious jewel. At ten she would leaf through her mother’s home magazines and imagine her home and family. At thirteen, she began cutting out pictures from numerous bridal magazines of her gown, possible bridesmaid dresses, and flower arrangements. At twenty, she had a mental checklist that a future husband had to meet. She was looking for that special man who would help her realize her dream. So, the more she got to know Bobby, the more she was attracted to him.

They dated for nearly seven years. The plan called for them to finish college, finish graduate school, and get established in their careers. Sure others thought they were crazy for waiting, but debt needed to be eliminated and money accumulated for the first home in an expensive part of town (where the best schools were for the two children – two boys – to be born into this dream family).

Unfortunately, finding out that Bobby struggled with same-gender attraction, was not part of Martha’s dream. But so many other things had fallen into place so perfectly that she took it in stride. She was strong enough to help him work through this issue. It was only after he started spending more of his free time with another man that she threw in the towel and saw her dream come crashing down.

Romans chapter 1 also teaches us a third eloquent truth that bears on a biblical marriage -- we are kingdom-oriented people. We always live in the service of one of two kingdoms. We live in service of the small, personal happiness agenda of the kingdom of self, or we live in service of the huge, origin-to-destiny agenda of the kingdom of God.

When we live for the kingdom of self, our decisions, thoughts, plans, actions, and words are directed by personal desire. We know what we want, where we want it, why we want it, how we want it, when we want it, and who we would prefer to deliver it. Think about Martha. She was not angry that Bobby had broken the laws of God’s kingdom. She was not grieved that he was in the way of what God wanted to accomplish in and through her pending marriage. No, Martha was hurt and angry because Bobby had broken the laws of her kingdom.

Perhaps this portrait tells us much more about the beginning of Martha and Bobby’s relationship than we tend to think. Maybe what they thought was love was not love at all, but something very different, masquerading as love. Remember, Martha had specific marriage and family dreams for most of her life. Although she did not realize it, Martha was searching for the one man who would be the missing piece to the puzzle that was her dream for her life. What felt like love may actually have been excitement that this man she had gotten to know seemed to fit nicely into the dream she had always had for her life.

Isn’t it tempting to think that perhaps God has gotten it all wrong. Wouldn’t it save a lot of heartache, conflict, hurt, and disappointment if God just gave us someone who really fulfills our dreams? Wouldn’t it be much easier if God worked it out so that we would be fully sanctified, then married? Wouldn’t that make marriage fundamentally easier and more enjoyable?

The reason we tend to think this way is precisely because we are captivated by the kingdom of self. We are drawn to order, predictability, comfort, ease, pleasure, appreciation, fun, and personal happiness. These things are not wrong in and of themselves, but they must not control us. We struggle with God’s plan because, when the rubber meets the road, we don’t really want what God wants. We want what we want, and we want Him to deliver it.

Think of the sturdiness of your allegiance to your own kingdom purposes. Think about how little of your anger over the last month had anything whatsoever to do with the kingdom of God. Your anger seldom comes out of a zeal for the plans, purposes, values, and calling of the kingdom of God. When you are hurt, angry, or disappointed with your fiancée, it is not because he or she has broken the laws of God’s kingdom. No, you are usually angry because your future spouse has broken the laws of your kingdom.

What does this practically mean? It means the trouble that you will face in your marriage will not be an evidence of the failure of grace. No, these future troubles are grace. They will be the tools God will use to get us to leave the confines of the kingdom of self and to join Him in advancing the kingdom of God. This means that you will never understand your future marriage and never be satisfied with it until you understand that marriage is not an end to itself. Rather, marriage has been designed by God to be a means to an end. It is only when a husband and wife each live in a purposeful and joyful allegiance to the plans, purposes, and Lord of the kingdom of God that their marriage can really be a biblical marriage.

Whose kingdom will shape your future marriage? Whose kingdom will define your dream? What really makes you happy? What is it that you want so badly for your future marriage to be? Could it perhaps be that what you think is love is not really kingdom-of-god, other-centered, other-service love? Could it be that what you actually want is for that other person to love you as much as you do? Could it be that your anger reveals how zealously committed you are to the purposes of your own kingdom? Could it be that the troubles you face in your engagement, both big and small, are not so much hassles as they are opportunities? Could it be that just when you think God had abandoned you (and your future marriage) that He is really very near, giving you the best gift ever – transforming grace? That is, the grace that rescues you from the one thing that you cannot rescue yourself from – you.

Summary: Your future marriage needs to be Kingdom-oriented.

A Marital Mason [1]
The noted English architect Sir Christopher Wren was supervising the construction of St. Paul’s cathedral in London. A journalist thought it would be interesting to interview some of the workers, so he chose three and asked them this question: “What are you doing?”
• The first replied: “I’m cutting stone for 10 shillings a day.”
• The next answered: “I’m putting in 10 hours a day on this job.”
• But the third said: “I’m helping Sir Christopher Wren construct one of London’s greatest cathedrals.”

The fourth portrait of a biblical marriage speaks to this. In His wisdom, God has crafted a life for us that does not careen from huge, consequential moment to huge, consequential moment. In fact, if you examine your life, you will see that you have actually had few of those moments. You can probably name only two or three life-changing events you have lived through. We are all the same -- the character and quality of our life is forged in little moments. Every day we lay little bricks on the foundation of what our life will be. The bricks of words said, the bricks of actions taken, the bricks of little decisions, the bricks of little thoughts, and the bricks of small-moment desires all work together to form the functional edifice that will be called your marriage. In other words, you need to view yourself as a marital mason.

Perhaps this is precisely the problem. We just don’t tend to live life this way. We tend to fall into thoughtless routines and instinctive ways of doing things. We tend to back away from the significance of little moments because they are -- little moments. The crazy thing is that the opposite is true. Little moments are significant because they are -- little moments. These are the moments that make up our lives. These are the moments that set up our future. These are the moments that shape our relationships. We need to have a day-by-day approach to everything in our lives, and if we do, we will choose our bricks carefully and place them strategically. 2 Corinthians 5:14-21 provides a model for what this day-by-day lifestyle looks like.

Read 2 Corinthians 5:14-21

This passage is a call to a particular way of thinking about and living in our relationship to God. What it calls us to in our relationship with God is a wonderful model for our relationship with one another in marriage. Paul understands that we have been reconciled to God by an act of His grace. He knew that there is no way for us to earn God’s love or deserve His favor but, having said that, he was quick to remind us that reconciliation to God is both an event and a process. Notice the words of verse 20: “We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God.” Who is the “you” that Paul is addressing? The “you” is the Corinthian church. Now, maybe you’re thinking, “Mark, if these people are believers, haven’t they already been reconciled to God?” The answer is yes and no. Yes, they have been reconciled to God in the sense of God’s acceptance of them in Christ. But there is another reconciliation that is still going on. To the degree that we continue to live for ourselves (v. 15), to that degree we still need to be reconciled to God. We need to be reconciled daily to God in confession and repentance. Likewise, are you willing to commit to focusing on a habit of daily reconciliation in your relationship with your future spouse?

Summary: Your future marriage needs you to view yourself as a marital mason.

An Effort in Gardening [1]
The fifth portrait of a biblical marriage is that marriage is just a long-term exercise in gardening. If you’ve done any gardening you know there simply aren’t any shortcuts. Gardens begin with hard work. Clearing the land isn’t fun, but it’s essential. Digging holes for the seeds isn’t enjoyable, but it is a necessary step. The regular work of watering, weeding, and pruning off wilted flowers is necessary for plant health, too.

Why is it that we don’t expect our gardens to just grow by themselves – from weedy land to lush garden – yet we expect our marriages to blossom beautifully without the daily work of pulling up weeds and planting seeds? I don’t know why we think that the most comprehensive and long-term of all human relationships can thrive without the same commitment we make to our gardens.

God’s words of commission to Jeremiah have a powerful and practical application to your commitment to work on your future marriage. The words are brief but beautifully and accurately descriptive: “See, I have set you this day over nations and over kingdoms, to pluck up and to break down, to destroy and to overthrow, to build and to plant” (Jer.1 :10). If change was to take place in Israel, God is saying that this is how it will have to happen: pluck up and break down, plant and build. God is saying that change always has two sides to it: destruction and construction. Change is needed because there are things in you, in your situation, or in your relationship that need to be uprooted or torn down.

For your future marriage to be healthy, you must have this type of destructive and constructive zeal. What are practical examples of things that will need to be destroyed (i.e., what are things that will need to be weeded)?
• Selfishness (self-appointed little sovereigns seeking to set up their own little kingdoms)
• Busyness (usually driven by materialism)
• Inattention
• Self-righteousness
• Fear (of failure, of man)
• Laziness (usually rooted in self-love)

On the other hand, what are practical examples of things that will need to be planted (or constructed)? The list in Galatians 5 -- the “fruit of the Spirit” – is the best catalog of the character qualities that will need to be cultivated in a biblical marriage:
• Love – What does a commitment to serve your future spouse in love look like? It will look like getting up in the morning and committing to searching for concrete ways to love your husband or your wife. Where does he tend to be discouraged or overwhelmed? What are the daily tasks in which she could use assistance? In what special way can you communicate your affection?
• Joy – What is joy about? It will mean looking for reasons to be thankful. It will mean being better at counting your blessings than you are at calculating your complaints. It will be about communicating appreciation. It will be about letting her know how much the things she does for you mean to you. It will be about thanking God daily for your relationship, even though it will be less than perfect.
• Peace – What does peace look like? It will mean gladly overlooking minor offenses. It will mean that you will quickly forgive. You will work to restore your relationship when something has separated you and your future spouse. You will find unity more attractive than winning and peace more compelling than power.
• Kindness – What does kindness look like? It will mean being polite and patient. It will mean not being critical. It will mean placing him/her first. It will mean not doing things that are called rude!
• Faithful – What does faithfulness look like? It begins with your thoughts and desires. It will mean not allowing yourself to fantasize about another person. It will continue with your actions. You will never do anything that would call your faithfulness into question by anyone (especially your future spouse).
• Gentleness – What does gentleness look like? It will mean that something doesn’t get damaged in the process of being handled. It will be the recognition that if you could change another person by the volume of your voice, the power of your vocabulary, and the force of your personality, Jesus would not have had to come!
• Self-Control – What does self-control look like? A good marriage will always be the result of saying no -- not to the other person, but to yourself. It will be the constant willingness to critique your thoughts, edit your words, and restrain your behavior out of love for your future spouse and love for what is right.

Summary: Your future marriage will require gardening (planting and weeding).

Gospel Implication [2]
Have you ever buttoned your shirt wrong? You know, so the holes and buttons don’t match up and the shirt looks like it was put on by an absent-minded professor? It’s amazing how distorted and disheveled one can look from not getting that first button right. Start off in the wrong place, and there’s no way to correct the problem down the line. Getting the first one right is the key to getting all of the other ones right.

Marriage is like that shirt. If you get the first thing right, then the other things/buttons of marriage – roles, communication, love, sex – all start to line up in a way that works together.

Key Idea: What you believe about God will determine the quality of your future marriage.

In this session, we learned that we are all theologians – we all think about God. Let me take a moment to explain. Everybody views life from a perspective – what some call a worldview. Our worldview is shaped by many things: our culture, our gender, our upbringing, our present situation, etc. The most profound thing that shapes anybody’s worldview is their understanding of God. What a person believes about God determines what he or she thinks about how we got here, what our ultimate meaning is, and what happens after we die. So essentially, our worldview and our perspective on life, is determined by our perspective on God. And when we talk about theology, all we are talking about is what we think about God. What you truly believe about God and what it means to live for God is your theology.

What kind of theologian are you? It’s not hard to tell. Whether we realize it or not, our ideas about this world, worship, kingdom-orientation, and everything else reveal themselves all the time in our words and deeds -- inevitably reflecting our view of God. If you listen carefully, theology spills from our lips every day.

The gospel is an endless fountain of God’s grace in your future marriage. Even when we were dead in our transgressions, God sent His Son to die in our place (Eph. 2:5). Through the work of the Holy Spirit, we were regenerated (John 3:5) and given faith to believe in His work on the cross in our stead – “For by grace we have been saved through faith…” (Eph. 2:8). To become a good theologian -- and to be able to look forward to a lifelong, thriving biblical marriage -- you must have a clear understanding of this gospel. Without it, you cannot see God, yourself, or your marriage for what they truly are. The gospel is the fountain of a thriving marriage.

[1] Paul David Tripp, “What Did You Expect”
[2] Dave Harvey, “When Sinners Say I Do”
[3] Dennis Rainey, “Preparing for Marriage”
[4] Lewis and Hendricks, “Rocking the Roles”
[5] John MacArthur, “The MacArthur New Testament Commentary: Titus”
[6] Chad Brand, “Christ-Centered Marriages: Husbands and Wives Complementing One Another”
[7] Piper and Grudem, Edited by David Kotter
[8] Gerhard Delling, “Theological Dictionary of the New Testament”
[9] Rebecca Jones, “Submission: A Lot More Giving In: Biblical Principles on Radically Honoring Husbands”
[10] John MacArthur, “The MacArthur New Testament Commentary: Ephesians”
[11] Paul David Tripp, “War of Words”
[12] Gary Chapman, “Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married”
[13] Piper and Taylor, “Sex and the Supremacy of Christ”
[14] The Village Church Position Papers