Introduction
When I saw her in for the first time, I was captured right away. For me it was love at first sight. For Sarah (not her real name), it was the same! We were both freshmen at Baylor. We both were Christians. We were both interested in missions. What else was necessary?
We spent every moment we possibly could together. We went to football games and basketball games. We attended Baptist Student Union events. We ate every meal together – school schedules permitting. We walked the grounds of the campus. We talked for hours about our future.
One Sunday, we both answered an altar call to become foreign missionaries. We told the pastor, that we were in love, planned to get married, and go to the mission field together. The pastor was wise enough to merely mention to the church that both Sarah and I were called into missions. He conveniently chose to ignore our statement about being in love and planning to get married. I was disappointed. I wanted the audience to know that we were in love. Really in love!
It is humbling to admit, but that relationship went south before I began my sophomore year at Baylor. I was all of 19 years old and I knew little about love. What I thought was love, I would not call love today. It should be obvious since Sarah and I are not married. But it took me years to truly grasp what marital love looks like.
When it comes to love, we have two problems. First, there are many things we call love that simply do not rise to the level of what love is. We will call that “faux love.” My relationship with Sarah is a painful reminder of this fact. Secondly, we lack a clear definition of what biblical love is and what love does.
Watch Out for Faux Love [1]
It is important to realize that counterfeit love wears very convincing masks. Let us look at four examples of faux love.
1. Physical Attraction
Physical attraction is an amazing thing. God displays His creative glory in ten thousand different forms of human beauty. We all don’t look the same, and we all don’t look at each other the same way. We see beauty in different ways and are attracted to different people as a result. Physical beauty is a powerful attraction because it is – physical! We live in a material world, so physical beauty is one of the things we all care about in some way. Physical attraction is not in itself wrong or dangerous. It is possibly the first thing that connects you with someone of the opposite sex.
What is really scary is that people get into serious relationships (and even marriage) based solely on physical attraction. You are drawn to someone because of her beauty. You want to be near her and with her. You may even be fantasizing about life with her before you have gotten to know her. This is how powerful the draw of physical attraction can be. You may even have allowed yourself more physical contact with her than is appropriate before marriage, thereby deepening the physical attraction. You may think you love this person, but you really don’t. No, what you love is her physical beauty. What you think is love is self-love in the mask of true love. You want to be with her not because you love her, but because you love yourself and you want to decorate your life with her physical beauty.
Know this – physical beauty get normalized in marriage. You wake up that first week to a person with baboon breath and rat’s-nest hair. He falls out of bed and puts on rumpled sweats and stumbles to the bathroom where he makes sounds you’d rather not hear. Then it hits you: you married a fantasy but got the real person. Real people have imperfect bodies. Real people get bellies, gain weight, lose hair, and get old. Marriages that are built on physical attraction are an example of faux love.
2. Emotional Connection
An emotional connection with a man or woman is an exciting thing. To find someone that you can relate to, talk to, and feel comfortable with is fun and fulfilling. Who wouldn’t want to experience this? It’s fun to be able to talk without ever feeling one of those uncomfortable periods of silence while you’re searching for the next possible topic. It’s enjoyable to be able to relate to what the other one is experiencing and feeling. It is nice to have your personalities complement one another. It’s nice when you think and feel the same way about things. It’s enjoyable when you are in a relationship relatively free of stress and tension. It’s good to be able to anticipate how the other will respond and react to something that you will share together.
In a marriage, this emotional connectivity is important. You cannot have a long-term relationship with a person who is never on the same emotional page as you. But you can have all of this and not have love. Here is the point – like physical attraction, emotional connection can actually be self-love wearing the mask of true love. Could it be that you are powerfully attracted to someone because he is easy and enjoyable to be with? Being with him doesn’t take a lot of commitment or effort because you are so emotionally alike. Maybe you are attracted to him not because you have come to love him, but because you love yourself, and he is comfortable to be with, and you are drawn to the effortlessness of the relationship.
Let’s be honest – Most of us don’t enjoy hard work and will avoid it if possible. I think this tendency to work-avoidance and ease-attraction has gotten many marriages off on the wrong foot by convincing couples that they are experiencing love when what they are really experiencing is merely emotional connection – i.e., faux love.
3. Spiritual Unity
Spiritual unity is even trickier. It is essential that a husband and wife have spiritual unity. This unity is first based on the fact that they are both members of God’s family and therefore indwelt by the same Spirit. But this unity is more than that; it is unity of biblical worldview, of theological persuasion, and of Christian experience. It is very powerful when you are around someone who seeks in every way to look at life through the lens of Scripture. It is very powerful to be with someone as God is making His Word understandable and relevant to you both. It is very powerful to be in services of worship where you are led to celebrate God’s life-changing grace. These things create a connection and a unity that is like no other.
All of these things are good things, but they are things that you could probably experience with many believers. You can share a platform of spiritual values with someone you don’t actually love in the full sense of what love is and does. This will trouble some of you, but it must be said: the powerful attraction of spiritual zeal and unity may not be love; it may actually be self-love in the mask of true love.
I can’t number how many women I have known who married men because they were attracted to their “spirituality,” their biblical literacy, or their theological knowledge – only to sadly come to realize that the men didn’t love them! Their future husbands were attracted to them because they shared a platform of spiritual unity that may make building a relationship a lot less work than it otherwise would be. And in almost every situation, the men were drawn by the way the women looked up to them as a theological mentor. But when the women demonstrated that they are sinners and not always students and the men showed that they love the theology of the women more than they do the women, the house of cards came crashing down. Spiritual unity was merely another example of faux love.
4. Cultural Similarity
Cultural similarity is a huge issue in marriage. You always drag your familial and cultural influences into the development of a relationship and ultimately into your marriage. God has crafted locations, situations, and relationships for you that have formed your cultural instincts and tastes. You have certain likes and dislikes (food, clothing, entertainment, etc.). There are experiences in life that have formed your sense of what is important and what is not, what is enjoyable and what is not, what is beautiful and what is not. You come to every relationship you have with certain assumptions about what is proper and to be expected. You have a certain definition of father, brother, sister, friend, worker, neighbor, boss, etc.
We carry with us differing definitions of what is polite and what is not, what is tasteful and what is not, what is expensive and what is not, what is casual and what is dressy, what should be public and what should be private, and the list could go on and on. So you bring to your potential partner a whole set of assumptions and unspoken rules. They become one of the lenses through which you look to evaluate the people in your life, so it is very compelling when you are in a relationship with someone and you share the same assumptions, expectations, and unspoken rules. It is hard not to be drawn to that person, and it is tempting to mistake your cultural unity and the attraction it creates as love.
Once again, the powerful attraction of cultural continuity may feel like love, but it may actually be self-love masquerading as love. Perhaps you are drawn to your spouse not because you love her, but because you love yourself, and you are stunned by how much she agrees with you. She is attractive to you because she thinks you are right about life as much as you think you are, and you find this to be a very attractive thing. Perhaps you don’t actually love her. Perhaps what you love is the similarity of your cultural assumptions. This too will almost always be challenged in marriage as you come to realize that you are not clones of one another and you are faced with the reality that there are many places where you disagree and look at life differently. Again, what looks like love may be just another compelling form of faux love.
Group Questions – Breakout Session #1
What in the World is Love Anyway? [1]
Sharon thought she was ready, willing, and able to love Carson – and because of this, she was excited to get married. People around them told them not to rush, that there was wisdom in waiting, but Sharon didn’t want to wait, and neither did Carson. They were both convinced they were ready. Sharon was persuaded that there was no way she could love Carson more than she already did. She was convinced that there was nothing she would not be willing to do for him.
As she looked forward to marriage she thought of it as an extended date. I am afraid that many people do. She had found Carson to be a great companion. He was good looking. He was a hard worker around the house. He was a good step-father to her child from her first marriage. He was a great student of the Scriptures. He was also known as being very gifted in the area of Children’s ministry.
Sure, Sharon knew Carson wasn’t perfect. He was a perfectionist and there were times he could be pretty stubborn. She knew that he liked to be in charge and that she naturally struggled to submit to others. But she loved Carson and they had managed to get along pretty well so far. Thus, she didn’t think being married would be that much of a struggle.
Sharon told herself that she was ready, willing, and able to love her future husband forever – but she wasn’t. It wasn’t long after their wedding that she began to be driven crazy by Carson’s controlling personality. She struggled with his constant criticism of her messiness. She hated how he rearranged the refrigerator and spice rack. She struggled with his stubbornness and refusal to admit that he was over the top, even when it was clear that he was! She struggled with the reality that she had no independence left. She resented having to discuss everything with Carson. She felt that she had fallen in love with her boyfriend and ended up marrying a monster!
The problem with Sharon was that she (and Carson) did not really know what love is and what love does. They confused the enjoyment of shared experiences as love. They had confused physical attraction, emotional connection, spiritual unity, and romantic affection with love. They had confused brief moments of patience with love’s long-term commitment to sacrifice.
Sharon learned quickly that you don’t get your best definition of love from a Web article. You don’t get it from Wikipedia or from Dictionary.com. You don’t get it from Webster or Shakespeare. The reality is that love is best defined by a set of abstract concepts. Let me explain.
There are few discussions in Scripture of what love is that are more helpful and more practical than the words found in 1 John 4.
Read 1 John 4:7-12, 16b-21
This passage tells us that we get our best definition of love from an event, the most important event in human history. You get your best definition of love from the cross of Jesus Christ. Christ’s sacrifice of love is the ultimate definition of what love is and what love does. In this passage John is calling us to cruciform love. That is, love that shapes itself to the cross of the Lord Jesus Christ (cruci = “cross” and form = “in the shape of”).
Look at the words of verses 10 and 11: “In this is love, not that we have loved God but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.” When it comes to love, the cross of Jesus Christ is our ultimate example. John says it clearly: if Jesus loved us in this way, in the same way we ought to love one another.
So what does cruciform love look like? Let me give you a definition and then unpack it. Here is the definition -- Love is willing self-sacrifice for the good of another that does not require reciprocation or that the person being loved is deserving of that love. Let’s unpack this definition.
• Love is willing. Jesus said: “No one takes [my life] from me, but I lay it down of my own accord” (John 10:18). The decisions, words, and actions of love always grow in the soil of a willing heart. You cannot force a person to love. If you are forcing someone to love, by the very nature of the act you are demonstrating that this person doesn’t in fact love.
• Love is willing self-sacrifice. There is no such thing as love without sacrifice. Love calls you beyond the borders of your own wants, needs, and feelings. Love calls you to be willing to invest time, energy, money, resources, personal ability, and gifts for the good of another. Love calls you to lay down your life in ways that are concrete and specific. Love calls you to serve, to wait, to give, to suffer, to forgive, and to do all these things again and again. Love requires you to lead when you really would like to follow, and to follow when you really want to lead. Love again and again calls you away from your instincts and your comfort. Love always requires personal sacrifice. Love calls you to give up your life.
• Love is willing self-sacrifice for the good of another. Love always has the good of another in view. Love is motivated by the interests and needs of others. Love is excited at the prospect of alleviating burdens and meeting needs. Love feels poor when the loved one is poor. Love suffers when the loved one suffers. Love wants the best for the loved one and works to deliver it.
• Love is self-sacrifice for the good of another that does not require reciprocation. The Bible says that Jesus died for us while we were still sinners. If He had waited until we were able to reciprocate, there would be no hope for us. Love isn’t a “you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours” bargain. Love isn’t about placing people in our debt and waiting for them to pay off their debts. Love isn’t a negotiation for mutual good. Real love does not demand reciprocation, because real love isn’t motivated by the return on the investment. No, real love is motivated by the good that will result in the life of the person being loved.
• Love is self-sacrifice for the good of another that does not require reciprocation or that the person being loved is deserving of that love. Christ was willing to go to the cross and carry our sin precisely because there was nothing that we could ever do to earn, achieve, or deserve the love of God. If you are interested only in loving people who are deserving of your love, the reality is that you are not motivated by love for them but by love for yourself. Love does its best work when the other person is undeserving. It is in these moments that love is most needed. It is in these moments that love is protective and preventative. It stays the course while refusing to quit or to get down and get dirty and give way to things that are anything but love.
Now , maybe you’re thinking: “Paul, where in the world do I get this kind of love?” John answers the question for us. “We love because He first loved us” (1 John 4:19). These words carry a rich content of many things, but one of the things surely meant by these words is that true love doesn’t best grow out of the soil of duty. No, true love grows out of the nutrient soil of gratitude.
Imagine me plopping down on the couch next to my wife and with a stern, unexcited, sadly flat, and monotone voice saying to her: “Debi, I have come to the understanding that it is my responsibility to love you. So I am going to do my duty. I am going to love you because that is what I am supposed to do.” Do you think Debi would throw her arms around me and say: “Thank you for loving me so!” No, she would be heartbroken because she would instinctively know that what I have expressed is not love.
Love is not born through begrudgingly succumbing to duty. No, love is born out of remembering and celebrating. When I remember the lavish, faithful, patient, forgiving, and empowering love that has been poured on me – that I could never have earned and will never be able to fully reciprocate – I will want to give that love away to someone else.
John says one more thing that is very powerful while being ground-level practical: “If anyone says, ‘I love God,’ and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen” (vs. 20). John is saying that if you want to know the true character and quality of your love for God, examine the quality of your relationship with the person near to you. Your love for your future husband or future wife is a very accurate barometer of your true love for God.
These words call us to face the fact that we must fix our marriages vertically before we ever fix them horizontally. Why? Consider my own marriage. My core problem is not that I don’t love Debi enough. No, my problem is that I don’t love God enough, and because I don’t love God enough, I don’t love Debi as I should.
When I fail to love God as I should, I insert myself into His position, desiring to be sovereign over my little kingdom of one and demanding that those around me do my bidding. If I am not loving God as my king, I will set up my own kingdom and live for myself.
I would ask you, right now: “Is your plan for marriage fueled, moved, and motivated by real God-worshipping, other-focused, self-giving, willing love? Have you made and are you willing to make this commitment? Where do you need to seek forgiveness and commit yourself to a new and better approach?”
Marital Love in Action [1]
Even though we have attempted to carefully define cruciform love in the context of your future marriage, you may still be fuzzy as to what this kind of love looks like on a practical level. Here are some concrete descriptions of how real, Christ-like love thinks and acts. As we work through this list, I invite you to examine your commitment to this type of love for your future spouse.
1. Love is being willing to have your life complicated by the needs and struggles of your future husband or wife without impatience or anger.
2. Love is actively fighting the temptation to be critical and judgmental toward your future spouse, while looking for ways to encourage and praise.
3. Love is the daily commitment to resist the needless moments of conflict that come from pointing out and responding to minor offenses.
4. Love is being lovingly honest and humbly approachable in times of misunderstanding, and being more committed to unity and love than you are to winning, accusing, or being right.
5. Love is a daily commitment to admit your sin, weakness, and failure and to resist the temptation to offer an excuse or shift the blame.
6. Love means being willing, when confronted by your future spouse, to examine your heart rather than rising to your defense or shifting the focus.
7. Love is a daily commitment to grow in love so that the love you offer to your future husband or wife is increasingly selfless, mature, and patient.
8. Love is being unwilling to do what is wrong when you have been wronged but to look for concrete and specific ways to overcome evil with good.
9. Love is being a good student of your future spouse, looking for his physical, emotional, and spiritual needs to that in some way you can remove the burden, support him as he carries it, or encourage him along the way.
10. Love means being willing to invest the time necessary to discuss, examine, and understand the problems that you face as a couple, staying on task until the problem is removed or you have agreed upon a strategy of response.
11. Love is always being willing to ask for forgiveness and always being committed to grant forgiveness when it is requested.
12. Love is recognizing the high value of trust in a marriage and being faithful to your promises and true to your word.
13. Love is speaking kindly and gently, even in moments of disagreement, refusing to attack your future spouse’s character or assault his or his intelligence.
14. Love is being unwilling to flatter, lie, manipulate, or deceive in any way in order to co-opt your future spouse into giving you what you want or doing something your way.
15. Love is being unwilling to ask your future spouse to be the source of your identity, meaning and purpose, or inner sense of well-being, while refusing to be the source of his or hers.
16. Love is the willingness to have less free time, less sleep, and a busier schedule in order to be faithful to what God has called you to be and to do as a husband or a wife.
17. Love is a commitment to say no to selfish instincts and to do everything that is within your ability to promote real unity, functional understanding, and active love in your future marriage.
18. Love is staying faithful to your commitment to treat your future spouse with appreciation, respect, and grace, even in moments when he or she doesn’t seem to deserve it or is unwilling to reciprocate.
19. Love is the willingness to make regular and costly sacrifices for the sake of your future marriage without asking anything in return or using your sacrifices to place your future spouse in your debt.
20. Love is being unwilling to make any personal decision or choice that would harm your future marriage, hurt your future husband or wife, or weaken the bond of trust between you.
21. Love is refusing to be self-focused or demanding but instead looking for specific ways to serve, support, and encourage, even when you are busy or tired.
22. Love is daily admitting to yourself, your future spouse, and God that you are not able to love this way without God’s protecting, providing, forgiving, rescuing, and delivering grace.
23. Love is a specific commitment of the heart to a specific person that causes you to give yourself to a specific lifestyle of care that requires you to be willing to make sacrifices that have that person’s good in view.
Gospel Implication
Let’s be honest. You and I are not up to this task. Can you honestly look at yourself in the mirror of God’s Word and say: “I do all these things well”? In fact, when I consider God’s call for me in my marriage, I think: “The bar is too high; I’ll never reach it!” Hear what I am about to say next: this is exactly what marriage is meant to do. It is meant to be a tool in God’s hands to expose your heart and to drive you to the end of yourself. Marriage is meant to expose your self-focus and self-reliance. It is meant to convince you that you are needier than you thought you were and to encourage you that God’s grace has more power to transform than you thought it did. [1]
As John begins that long discussion of love that we have already considered, he says these words: “God sent His only son into the world, so that we might live through Him” (1 John 4:9). John says that the purpose of Jesus’ coming to earth, suffering and dying, and rising from the dead is that through Him we might have what we need to be able to live the life to which He has called us. And the life to which He has called us in fundamentally, comprehensively, and perseveringly a life of love. John is saying that Jesus died not only so that we would have forgiveness for not loving as we should, but also so that we would have the desire, wisdom, and power to love as we should. [2]
As you give yourself to love, He showers you with His love, so that you would never be without what you need to love. He was willing to make the ultimate sacrifice of love because He knew that that was the only way that you would ever get what it takes to love as you have been called to love. Jesus knew that your struggle to love is so deep that a certain system of wisdom or a certain set of provisions wouldn’t be enough. He knew the only thing that would help you would be if He gave you Himself. So that is exactly what He did. He gave Himself so that right here, right now, you would have the resources you need to live a concrete and continuing life of love. [2]
So don’t let regret paralyze you. Don’t be overwhelmed by love’s call. Don’t be discouraged by the size or number of the things you are facing. Don’t let the failures of the past rob you of hope for the future. No, left to yourself you don’t have what it takes, but He is with you, in you, and for you. Walk forward in hope and courage, and commit yourself to real, active, and specific cruciform love, knowing that the gospel of Jesus Christ really does have the power to make you ready, willing, and able. [2]
Endnotes
[1] Paul David Tripp, “What Did You Expect”
[2] Dave Harvey, “When Sinners Say I Do”
[3] Dennis Rainey, “Preparing for Marriage”
[4] Lewis and Hendricks, “Rocking the Roles”
[5] John MacArthur, “The MacArthur New Testament Commentary: Titus”
[6] Chad Brand, “Christ-Centered Marriages: Husbands and Wives Complementing One Another”
[7] Piper and Grudem, Edited by David Kotter
[8] Gerhard Delling, “Theological Dictionary of the New Testament”
[9] Rebecca Jones, “Submission: A Lot More Giving In: Biblical Principles on Radically Honoring Husbands”
[10] John MacArthur, “The MacArthur New Testament Commentary: Ephesians”
[11] Paul David Tripp, “War of Words”
[12] Gary Chapman, “Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married”
[13] Piper and Taylor, “Sex and the Supremacy of Christ”
[14] The Village Church Position Papers
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Sunday, May 8, 2011
The Portrait of a Biblical Marriage
Introduction
He showed up at our house, curled up in the back seat, drunk as a skunk. His binge drinking, always leading to drunkenness, had begun before they were married. In fact, she had first learned about his binge drinking only days before the wedding. But after more than ten years of marriage, she had had enough. It was time to bring this sin into the open.
She called as soon as she returned home from the honeymoon. It had been a disaster! She was talking about getting an annulment or filing for a divorce. He was verbally abusive. He was controlling. He was not the man she had fallen in love with.
The calls came to both of us. She was devastated to find her husband immersed (i.e., addicted) in pornography. What did she need to do, she asked my wife. Now that the sin was in the open, he was interested in salvaging his marriage. What did he need to do, he asked me.
How did these couples get there? I’ve sat with many couples who have come to us – after months or years of marriage – frustrated! I was not frustrated that they were having problems. I was not frustrated that they once had been “in love.” I was frustrated because they had unrealistic expectations about marriage. Time and time again, I have seen couples who did not seriously consider what the Scriptures had to say about marriage. They were simply unwilling to be realistic about what a biblical marriage looks like.
Where do unrealistic expectations arise? Paul David Tripp states that unrealistic expectations arise from two sources. First, it arises from the way we use Scripture. We mistakenly treat the Bible as if it were arranged by topic – a compendium of human problems and divine solutions. We run to all the marriage passages expecting that we will be able to learn all that is needed to prepare for marriage. We fail to understand that the Bible is not an encyclopedia. Rather, it is a story, the great origin-to-destiny story of redemption. But unrealistic expectations have another source. Secondly, most potential husbands and wives don’t’ want anything to mess up the unfettered affection that has left them in a virtual romantic delirium. They look at each other with glazed eyes, and they are sure that the powerful love they are feeling will get them through anything. They are sure that few people have felt the love that they have felt for one another. They know that other couples have problems, but they are convinced they are not like them. They are sure they must not have felt what they are feeling. They are in love and they are sure that everything will work out right. They are simply not interested in being realistic. [1]
If unrealistic expectations almost always lead to disappointment, how can this pre-marital course be helpful and impart “realistic” expectations? How can it provide you with a portrait of a biblical marriage, a biblical wife, a biblical husband, biblical communication, biblical love, and biblical sex? In the course of this study, I will intentionally borrow concepts/discussions from a select set of marriage resources. This is in order to introduce you to these resources so that you can see their value and consider adding them to your library. In this first session, I will be borrowing from Paul David Tripp’s, “What Did You Expect?” Let me suggest five portraits that will impart “realistic” expectations and provide you with aspects of a biblical marriage.
Grounded in the Word [1]
The first portrait is that a biblical marriage must be grounded in the Word. And in this course, the Bible will be the sole source of authority – not opinions, not experience, not societal norms. While there are many things that the Scriptures have to say (about the Christian life in general and biblical marriages specifically), let us consider just three biblical truths that can provide a basis for a biblical view of marriage:
1. You Will Be Conducting Your Marriage in a Fallen World
Keith can’t believe that he has been laid off for the second time in twelve months. Jeannie can’t believe that she has to buy gifts for each member of her husband’s family when there is insufficient money to buy even one present for her side of the family. Sarah can’t believe that her in-laws refuse to babysit her three children. Karen wonders when her husband will get off the couch and go find a full-time job for the first time in two years.
We all face the same thing. Your future marriages will exist in the middle of a world that does not function as God intended. Somehow, someway, your future marriage will be touched every day by the brokenness of our world. It is not an accident that you will be conducting your marriage in this broken world. It is not an accident that you will have to deal with the things you do. None of this is fate, chance, or luck. It is all a part of God’s redemptive plan. Acts 17:24-26 (“The God who made the world and all things in it, since He is Lord of heaven and earth, does not dwell in temples made with hands; nor is He served by human hands, as though He needed anything, since He Himself gives to all people life and breath and all things; nor is He served by human hands, as though He needed anything, since He Himself gives to all people life and breath and all things; and He made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined their appointed times and the boundaries of their habitation…”) says that He determines the exact place where you live and the exact length of your life. He knows where you live, and He is not surprised at what you will be facing. Even though you will face things that make no sense to you, there is meaning and purpose to everything you will face. I am persuaded that understanding your fallen world and God’s purpose for keeping you in it is foundational to building a biblical marriage.
There is no better window on what we face in the here-and-now world in which we live than the descriptive words that Peter uses in his first epistle: “distressed,” “trials,” and “tested” (1 Pet. 1:6-7).
Read 1 Peter 1:6-7
(“In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.”)
First, you will not escape the distress of life in the fallen world. Second, we will all face trials. We will deal with things we would never have planned for ourselves or inserted into our schedules. Third, we will be “tempered” or “refined.” Does that sound realistic? Absolutely!
Most of us have a “personal happiness” paradigm. God has a “personal holiness” paradigm. As Gary Thomas states: “What if God intended marriage to make you holy rather than happy?” The fallen world we live in – more specifically, sin -- is the biggest obstacle to a marriage of unity, understanding, and love. God uses the difficulties of the here and now to transform us. That is, He uses it to rescue us from ourselves. When we embrace God’s “personal holiness” paradigm, life not only makes sense – the things you face are not irrational troubles, but transforming tools – it immediately makes sense! Biblical truth #1 -- Biblical marriages are conducted in a fallen world.
2. You are a Sinner Who Will Be Married to a Sinner
We will say much more about this throughout the course, but you don’t get to be married to someone perfect. Both of you will bring something into your marriage that is destructive to that marriage. That thing is called sin. Most of the troubles you will face in marriage are not intentional or personal. Rather, your life will be affected by the sin, weakness, and failure of the person you will be living with.
Here’s what usually happens. When our ears hear and our eyes see the sin, weakness, or failure of our future spouse – we tend to personalize what is not personal. At the end of a bad day at work, your fiancée doesn’t say to himself – “I know what I’ll do. I’ll take my bad day out on my bride to be so that her day gets as wrecked as mine.” No, the trouble you are experiencing is not about you directly. You are in a relationship with a sinner, so you will experience his sin. Thus, we turn a moment of ministry into a moment of anger. What do I mean? When your ears hear and your eyes see the sin, weakness, or failure of your future spouse, it is never an accident; it is always grace. God loves your future spouse, and He is committed to transforming him or her by His grace, and He has chosen you to be one of His regular tools of change. So, He will cause you to see, hear, and experience your future spouse’s need for change so that you can be an agent of His rescue. Make sure that you turn these events into moments of ministry rather than moments of anger. Biblical truth #2 – Biblical marriages are made up of sinners who are married to sinners!
3. God is Faithful, Powerful, and Willing
There is one more truth that you have to include as you are trying to look at your future marriage as realistically as possible. You are not alone in your struggle. The Bible says that God is near, so near that in your moment of need, you can reach out and touch Him because He is not far from each one of us (Acts 17:27). Yes, you live in a bad neighborhood (fallen world), and the two of you are less than perfect (sin), but in all this you are not left to your own resources. Biblical truth #3 -- The God who determined your address lives there with you and is committed to giving you everything you need.
Summary: Your future marriage needs to be grounded in the Word.
Rooted in Worship [1]
Andrea pushes the food around on her plate. Another meal eaten alone. Her husband left for work at 6am, promised to be home for dinner at 8pm, and it is now 9pm and he has not shown up. She is exhausted from caring for two small children all day. She is crushed that he has failed to keep his promise for the millionth time. As a tear coursed down her cheek, she remembered Roger’s cute smile and his gentle spirit. Somewhere along the way Roger had quit being Roger. He was working seven days a week, 14 hours a day. And when he was home, he was always distracted.
While such a situation will not happen to everyone, it is the unavoidable reality of marriage. Somehow, someway, every marriage will become a struggle. Life after the honeymoon will be radically different from the honeymoon that precedes it. Somewhere along the way, you will realize that you are a sinner married to a sinner, and you are living in a broken world. At some point you will need something sturdier than romance. You will need something deeper than shared interests and mutual attraction. You will need something more than marital survival skills. You will need something that gives you peace of heart and strength of resolve when you aren’t feeling romantic and your problems are getting you down.
What will you need to do when your marriage becomes what it was not intended to be? What will you need to do in those moments when you aren’t so attracted to your future spouse? Where will you look when you are irritated, hurt, or discouraged? Where will you reach? Where will you run? You won’t find them in your future spouse. I think the answer will surprise many of you – a biblical marriage is not rooted in romance; it is rooted in worship. This is our second portrait of a biblical marriage.
The Bible teaches us that all of us are worshipers (Romans 1:19-25). When the Bible says that all of us are worshipers, it means that every human being lives for something. All of us are digging for treasure. All of us are in pursuit of some kind of dream. Behind everything we do is some kind of hope. Every one of us is in constant pursuit of life. Being a worshiper means that you attach your identity, your meaning, your purpose, and your inner sense of well-being to something. You either get these things vertically (from the Creator) or you look to get them horizontally (from the creation). Paul says specifically that we either worship the creature or the Creator (Romans 1:25). This insight has everything to do with how a marriage becomes what it is. No marriage will be unaffected when the people in the marriage are seeking to get from the creations (think your future spouses) what they were only ever meant to get from the Creator.
Marriages must be fixed vertically before they are ever fixed horizontally. We have to deal with what is driving us before we ever deal with how we are reacting to one another. Every relationship is victimized in some way when we seek to get the surrounding creation what we were designed to get from God. When God is in His rightful place, then we are on the way to putting people in their rightful place. Or stated differently, it is only in the worship of God in our marriages that we find a reason to continue.
What does a marriage rooted in the worship of God look like?
1. A biblical marriage will flow out of a daily worship of God as Creator. In subtle and not so subtle ways we all question the Creator, and in so doing we will dishonor and disrespect our future husband or wife. We end up criticizing the other for choices (physical attributes; intellectual attributes; etc.) he or she didn’t make. We all end up asking the other to change in areas where change simply is not possible. When we celebrate the Creator, we look at one another with wonder and joy. When you look at your future spouse and see the Creator’s glory, then you feel blessed by the ways your future spouse is different.
2. A biblical marriage will flow out of a daily worship of God as Sovereign. Your future marriage will be an unfolding drama written by the wise control of a loving and sovereign God. Either you worship God as sovereign and celebrate the different way of looking at the world (birth culture; family history; etc.) that your future spouse has blessed you with, or you dishonor Him by trying to rewrite His story.
3. A biblical marriage will flow out of daily worship of God as Savior. When you celebrate God as Savior, you are confronted with the reality of how much you are in desperate need of His grace. Worshiping God as Savior also means that you find joy in being part of the work of grace that God is unrelentingly committed to doing in your future spouse’s life. That is, you look for ways of incarnating the transforming grace of the Savior.
Summary: Your future marriage needs to be rooted in worship.
Kingdom Oriented [1]
Martha had always carried her dream with her like a precious jewel. At ten she would leaf through her mother’s home magazines and imagine her home and family. At thirteen, she began cutting out pictures from numerous bridal magazines of her gown, possible bridesmaid dresses, and flower arrangements. At twenty, she had a mental checklist that a future husband had to meet. She was looking for that special man who would help her realize her dream. So, the more she got to know Bobby, the more she was attracted to him.
They dated for nearly seven years. The plan called for them to finish college, finish graduate school, and get established in their careers. Sure others thought they were crazy for waiting, but debt needed to be eliminated and money accumulated for the first home in an expensive part of town (where the best schools were for the two children – two boys – to be born into this dream family).
Unfortunately, finding out that Bobby struggled with same-gender attraction, was not part of Martha’s dream. But so many other things had fallen into place so perfectly that she took it in stride. She was strong enough to help him work through this issue. It was only after he started spending more of his free time with another man that she threw in the towel and saw her dream come crashing down.
Romans chapter 1 also teaches us a third eloquent truth that bears on a biblical marriage -- we are kingdom-oriented people. We always live in the service of one of two kingdoms. We live in service of the small, personal happiness agenda of the kingdom of self, or we live in service of the huge, origin-to-destiny agenda of the kingdom of God.
When we live for the kingdom of self, our decisions, thoughts, plans, actions, and words are directed by personal desire. We know what we want, where we want it, why we want it, how we want it, when we want it, and who we would prefer to deliver it. Think about Martha. She was not angry that Bobby had broken the laws of God’s kingdom. She was not grieved that he was in the way of what God wanted to accomplish in and through her pending marriage. No, Martha was hurt and angry because Bobby had broken the laws of her kingdom.
Perhaps this portrait tells us much more about the beginning of Martha and Bobby’s relationship than we tend to think. Maybe what they thought was love was not love at all, but something very different, masquerading as love. Remember, Martha had specific marriage and family dreams for most of her life. Although she did not realize it, Martha was searching for the one man who would be the missing piece to the puzzle that was her dream for her life. What felt like love may actually have been excitement that this man she had gotten to know seemed to fit nicely into the dream she had always had for her life.
Isn’t it tempting to think that perhaps God has gotten it all wrong. Wouldn’t it save a lot of heartache, conflict, hurt, and disappointment if God just gave us someone who really fulfills our dreams? Wouldn’t it be much easier if God worked it out so that we would be fully sanctified, then married? Wouldn’t that make marriage fundamentally easier and more enjoyable?
The reason we tend to think this way is precisely because we are captivated by the kingdom of self. We are drawn to order, predictability, comfort, ease, pleasure, appreciation, fun, and personal happiness. These things are not wrong in and of themselves, but they must not control us. We struggle with God’s plan because, when the rubber meets the road, we don’t really want what God wants. We want what we want, and we want Him to deliver it.
Think of the sturdiness of your allegiance to your own kingdom purposes. Think about how little of your anger over the last month had anything whatsoever to do with the kingdom of God. Your anger seldom comes out of a zeal for the plans, purposes, values, and calling of the kingdom of God. When you are hurt, angry, or disappointed with your fiancée, it is not because he or she has broken the laws of God’s kingdom. No, you are usually angry because your future spouse has broken the laws of your kingdom.
What does this practically mean? It means the trouble that you will face in your marriage will not be an evidence of the failure of grace. No, these future troubles are grace. They will be the tools God will use to get us to leave the confines of the kingdom of self and to join Him in advancing the kingdom of God. This means that you will never understand your future marriage and never be satisfied with it until you understand that marriage is not an end to itself. Rather, marriage has been designed by God to be a means to an end. It is only when a husband and wife each live in a purposeful and joyful allegiance to the plans, purposes, and Lord of the kingdom of God that their marriage can really be a biblical marriage.
Whose kingdom will shape your future marriage? Whose kingdom will define your dream? What really makes you happy? What is it that you want so badly for your future marriage to be? Could it perhaps be that what you think is love is not really kingdom-of-god, other-centered, other-service love? Could it be that what you actually want is for that other person to love you as much as you do? Could it be that your anger reveals how zealously committed you are to the purposes of your own kingdom? Could it be that the troubles you face in your engagement, both big and small, are not so much hassles as they are opportunities? Could it be that just when you think God had abandoned you (and your future marriage) that He is really very near, giving you the best gift ever – transforming grace? That is, the grace that rescues you from the one thing that you cannot rescue yourself from – you.
Summary: Your future marriage needs to be Kingdom-oriented.
A Marital Mason [1]
The noted English architect Sir Christopher Wren was supervising the construction of St. Paul’s cathedral in London. A journalist thought it would be interesting to interview some of the workers, so he chose three and asked them this question: “What are you doing?”
• The first replied: “I’m cutting stone for 10 shillings a day.”
• The next answered: “I’m putting in 10 hours a day on this job.”
• But the third said: “I’m helping Sir Christopher Wren construct one of London’s greatest cathedrals.”
The fourth portrait of a biblical marriage speaks to this. In His wisdom, God has crafted a life for us that does not careen from huge, consequential moment to huge, consequential moment. In fact, if you examine your life, you will see that you have actually had few of those moments. You can probably name only two or three life-changing events you have lived through. We are all the same -- the character and quality of our life is forged in little moments. Every day we lay little bricks on the foundation of what our life will be. The bricks of words said, the bricks of actions taken, the bricks of little decisions, the bricks of little thoughts, and the bricks of small-moment desires all work together to form the functional edifice that will be called your marriage. In other words, you need to view yourself as a marital mason.
Perhaps this is precisely the problem. We just don’t tend to live life this way. We tend to fall into thoughtless routines and instinctive ways of doing things. We tend to back away from the significance of little moments because they are -- little moments. The crazy thing is that the opposite is true. Little moments are significant because they are -- little moments. These are the moments that make up our lives. These are the moments that set up our future. These are the moments that shape our relationships. We need to have a day-by-day approach to everything in our lives, and if we do, we will choose our bricks carefully and place them strategically. 2 Corinthians 5:14-21 provides a model for what this day-by-day lifestyle looks like.
Read 2 Corinthians 5:14-21
This passage is a call to a particular way of thinking about and living in our relationship to God. What it calls us to in our relationship with God is a wonderful model for our relationship with one another in marriage. Paul understands that we have been reconciled to God by an act of His grace. He knew that there is no way for us to earn God’s love or deserve His favor but, having said that, he was quick to remind us that reconciliation to God is both an event and a process. Notice the words of verse 20: “We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God.” Who is the “you” that Paul is addressing? The “you” is the Corinthian church. Now, maybe you’re thinking, “Mark, if these people are believers, haven’t they already been reconciled to God?” The answer is yes and no. Yes, they have been reconciled to God in the sense of God’s acceptance of them in Christ. But there is another reconciliation that is still going on. To the degree that we continue to live for ourselves (v. 15), to that degree we still need to be reconciled to God. We need to be reconciled daily to God in confession and repentance. Likewise, are you willing to commit to focusing on a habit of daily reconciliation in your relationship with your future spouse?
Summary: Your future marriage needs you to view yourself as a marital mason.
An Effort in Gardening [1]
The fifth portrait of a biblical marriage is that marriage is just a long-term exercise in gardening. If you’ve done any gardening you know there simply aren’t any shortcuts. Gardens begin with hard work. Clearing the land isn’t fun, but it’s essential. Digging holes for the seeds isn’t enjoyable, but it is a necessary step. The regular work of watering, weeding, and pruning off wilted flowers is necessary for plant health, too.
Why is it that we don’t expect our gardens to just grow by themselves – from weedy land to lush garden – yet we expect our marriages to blossom beautifully without the daily work of pulling up weeds and planting seeds? I don’t know why we think that the most comprehensive and long-term of all human relationships can thrive without the same commitment we make to our gardens.
God’s words of commission to Jeremiah have a powerful and practical application to your commitment to work on your future marriage. The words are brief but beautifully and accurately descriptive: “See, I have set you this day over nations and over kingdoms, to pluck up and to break down, to destroy and to overthrow, to build and to plant” (Jer.1 :10). If change was to take place in Israel, God is saying that this is how it will have to happen: pluck up and break down, plant and build. God is saying that change always has two sides to it: destruction and construction. Change is needed because there are things in you, in your situation, or in your relationship that need to be uprooted or torn down.
For your future marriage to be healthy, you must have this type of destructive and constructive zeal. What are practical examples of things that will need to be destroyed (i.e., what are things that will need to be weeded)?
• Selfishness (self-appointed little sovereigns seeking to set up their own little kingdoms)
• Busyness (usually driven by materialism)
• Inattention
• Self-righteousness
• Fear (of failure, of man)
• Laziness (usually rooted in self-love)
On the other hand, what are practical examples of things that will need to be planted (or constructed)? The list in Galatians 5 -- the “fruit of the Spirit” – is the best catalog of the character qualities that will need to be cultivated in a biblical marriage:
• Love – What does a commitment to serve your future spouse in love look like? It will look like getting up in the morning and committing to searching for concrete ways to love your husband or your wife. Where does he tend to be discouraged or overwhelmed? What are the daily tasks in which she could use assistance? In what special way can you communicate your affection?
• Joy – What is joy about? It will mean looking for reasons to be thankful. It will mean being better at counting your blessings than you are at calculating your complaints. It will be about communicating appreciation. It will be about letting her know how much the things she does for you mean to you. It will be about thanking God daily for your relationship, even though it will be less than perfect.
• Peace – What does peace look like? It will mean gladly overlooking minor offenses. It will mean that you will quickly forgive. You will work to restore your relationship when something has separated you and your future spouse. You will find unity more attractive than winning and peace more compelling than power.
• Kindness – What does kindness look like? It will mean being polite and patient. It will mean not being critical. It will mean placing him/her first. It will mean not doing things that are called rude!
• Faithful – What does faithfulness look like? It begins with your thoughts and desires. It will mean not allowing yourself to fantasize about another person. It will continue with your actions. You will never do anything that would call your faithfulness into question by anyone (especially your future spouse).
• Gentleness – What does gentleness look like? It will mean that something doesn’t get damaged in the process of being handled. It will be the recognition that if you could change another person by the volume of your voice, the power of your vocabulary, and the force of your personality, Jesus would not have had to come!
• Self-Control – What does self-control look like? A good marriage will always be the result of saying no -- not to the other person, but to yourself. It will be the constant willingness to critique your thoughts, edit your words, and restrain your behavior out of love for your future spouse and love for what is right.
Summary: Your future marriage will require gardening (planting and weeding).
Gospel Implication [2]
Have you ever buttoned your shirt wrong? You know, so the holes and buttons don’t match up and the shirt looks like it was put on by an absent-minded professor? It’s amazing how distorted and disheveled one can look from not getting that first button right. Start off in the wrong place, and there’s no way to correct the problem down the line. Getting the first one right is the key to getting all of the other ones right.
Marriage is like that shirt. If you get the first thing right, then the other things/buttons of marriage – roles, communication, love, sex – all start to line up in a way that works together.
Key Idea: What you believe about God will determine the quality of your future marriage.
In this session, we learned that we are all theologians – we all think about God. Let me take a moment to explain. Everybody views life from a perspective – what some call a worldview. Our worldview is shaped by many things: our culture, our gender, our upbringing, our present situation, etc. The most profound thing that shapes anybody’s worldview is their understanding of God. What a person believes about God determines what he or she thinks about how we got here, what our ultimate meaning is, and what happens after we die. So essentially, our worldview and our perspective on life, is determined by our perspective on God. And when we talk about theology, all we are talking about is what we think about God. What you truly believe about God and what it means to live for God is your theology.
What kind of theologian are you? It’s not hard to tell. Whether we realize it or not, our ideas about this world, worship, kingdom-orientation, and everything else reveal themselves all the time in our words and deeds -- inevitably reflecting our view of God. If you listen carefully, theology spills from our lips every day.
The gospel is an endless fountain of God’s grace in your future marriage. Even when we were dead in our transgressions, God sent His Son to die in our place (Eph. 2:5). Through the work of the Holy Spirit, we were regenerated (John 3:5) and given faith to believe in His work on the cross in our stead – “For by grace we have been saved through faith…” (Eph. 2:8). To become a good theologian -- and to be able to look forward to a lifelong, thriving biblical marriage -- you must have a clear understanding of this gospel. Without it, you cannot see God, yourself, or your marriage for what they truly are. The gospel is the fountain of a thriving marriage.
[1] Paul David Tripp, “What Did You Expect”
[2] Dave Harvey, “When Sinners Say I Do”
[3] Dennis Rainey, “Preparing for Marriage”
[4] Lewis and Hendricks, “Rocking the Roles”
[5] John MacArthur, “The MacArthur New Testament Commentary: Titus”
[6] Chad Brand, “Christ-Centered Marriages: Husbands and Wives Complementing One Another”
[7] Piper and Grudem, Edited by David Kotter
[8] Gerhard Delling, “Theological Dictionary of the New Testament”
[9] Rebecca Jones, “Submission: A Lot More Giving In: Biblical Principles on Radically Honoring Husbands”
[10] John MacArthur, “The MacArthur New Testament Commentary: Ephesians”
[11] Paul David Tripp, “War of Words”
[12] Gary Chapman, “Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married”
[13] Piper and Taylor, “Sex and the Supremacy of Christ”
[14] The Village Church Position Papers
He showed up at our house, curled up in the back seat, drunk as a skunk. His binge drinking, always leading to drunkenness, had begun before they were married. In fact, she had first learned about his binge drinking only days before the wedding. But after more than ten years of marriage, she had had enough. It was time to bring this sin into the open.
She called as soon as she returned home from the honeymoon. It had been a disaster! She was talking about getting an annulment or filing for a divorce. He was verbally abusive. He was controlling. He was not the man she had fallen in love with.
The calls came to both of us. She was devastated to find her husband immersed (i.e., addicted) in pornography. What did she need to do, she asked my wife. Now that the sin was in the open, he was interested in salvaging his marriage. What did he need to do, he asked me.
How did these couples get there? I’ve sat with many couples who have come to us – after months or years of marriage – frustrated! I was not frustrated that they were having problems. I was not frustrated that they once had been “in love.” I was frustrated because they had unrealistic expectations about marriage. Time and time again, I have seen couples who did not seriously consider what the Scriptures had to say about marriage. They were simply unwilling to be realistic about what a biblical marriage looks like.
Where do unrealistic expectations arise? Paul David Tripp states that unrealistic expectations arise from two sources. First, it arises from the way we use Scripture. We mistakenly treat the Bible as if it were arranged by topic – a compendium of human problems and divine solutions. We run to all the marriage passages expecting that we will be able to learn all that is needed to prepare for marriage. We fail to understand that the Bible is not an encyclopedia. Rather, it is a story, the great origin-to-destiny story of redemption. But unrealistic expectations have another source. Secondly, most potential husbands and wives don’t’ want anything to mess up the unfettered affection that has left them in a virtual romantic delirium. They look at each other with glazed eyes, and they are sure that the powerful love they are feeling will get them through anything. They are sure that few people have felt the love that they have felt for one another. They know that other couples have problems, but they are convinced they are not like them. They are sure they must not have felt what they are feeling. They are in love and they are sure that everything will work out right. They are simply not interested in being realistic. [1]
If unrealistic expectations almost always lead to disappointment, how can this pre-marital course be helpful and impart “realistic” expectations? How can it provide you with a portrait of a biblical marriage, a biblical wife, a biblical husband, biblical communication, biblical love, and biblical sex? In the course of this study, I will intentionally borrow concepts/discussions from a select set of marriage resources. This is in order to introduce you to these resources so that you can see their value and consider adding them to your library. In this first session, I will be borrowing from Paul David Tripp’s, “What Did You Expect?” Let me suggest five portraits that will impart “realistic” expectations and provide you with aspects of a biblical marriage.
Grounded in the Word [1]
The first portrait is that a biblical marriage must be grounded in the Word. And in this course, the Bible will be the sole source of authority – not opinions, not experience, not societal norms. While there are many things that the Scriptures have to say (about the Christian life in general and biblical marriages specifically), let us consider just three biblical truths that can provide a basis for a biblical view of marriage:
1. You Will Be Conducting Your Marriage in a Fallen World
Keith can’t believe that he has been laid off for the second time in twelve months. Jeannie can’t believe that she has to buy gifts for each member of her husband’s family when there is insufficient money to buy even one present for her side of the family. Sarah can’t believe that her in-laws refuse to babysit her three children. Karen wonders when her husband will get off the couch and go find a full-time job for the first time in two years.
We all face the same thing. Your future marriages will exist in the middle of a world that does not function as God intended. Somehow, someway, your future marriage will be touched every day by the brokenness of our world. It is not an accident that you will be conducting your marriage in this broken world. It is not an accident that you will have to deal with the things you do. None of this is fate, chance, or luck. It is all a part of God’s redemptive plan. Acts 17:24-26 (“The God who made the world and all things in it, since He is Lord of heaven and earth, does not dwell in temples made with hands; nor is He served by human hands, as though He needed anything, since He Himself gives to all people life and breath and all things; nor is He served by human hands, as though He needed anything, since He Himself gives to all people life and breath and all things; and He made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined their appointed times and the boundaries of their habitation…”) says that He determines the exact place where you live and the exact length of your life. He knows where you live, and He is not surprised at what you will be facing. Even though you will face things that make no sense to you, there is meaning and purpose to everything you will face. I am persuaded that understanding your fallen world and God’s purpose for keeping you in it is foundational to building a biblical marriage.
There is no better window on what we face in the here-and-now world in which we live than the descriptive words that Peter uses in his first epistle: “distressed,” “trials,” and “tested” (1 Pet. 1:6-7).
Read 1 Peter 1:6-7
(“In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.”)
First, you will not escape the distress of life in the fallen world. Second, we will all face trials. We will deal with things we would never have planned for ourselves or inserted into our schedules. Third, we will be “tempered” or “refined.” Does that sound realistic? Absolutely!
Most of us have a “personal happiness” paradigm. God has a “personal holiness” paradigm. As Gary Thomas states: “What if God intended marriage to make you holy rather than happy?” The fallen world we live in – more specifically, sin -- is the biggest obstacle to a marriage of unity, understanding, and love. God uses the difficulties of the here and now to transform us. That is, He uses it to rescue us from ourselves. When we embrace God’s “personal holiness” paradigm, life not only makes sense – the things you face are not irrational troubles, but transforming tools – it immediately makes sense! Biblical truth #1 -- Biblical marriages are conducted in a fallen world.
2. You are a Sinner Who Will Be Married to a Sinner
We will say much more about this throughout the course, but you don’t get to be married to someone perfect. Both of you will bring something into your marriage that is destructive to that marriage. That thing is called sin. Most of the troubles you will face in marriage are not intentional or personal. Rather, your life will be affected by the sin, weakness, and failure of the person you will be living with.
Here’s what usually happens. When our ears hear and our eyes see the sin, weakness, or failure of our future spouse – we tend to personalize what is not personal. At the end of a bad day at work, your fiancée doesn’t say to himself – “I know what I’ll do. I’ll take my bad day out on my bride to be so that her day gets as wrecked as mine.” No, the trouble you are experiencing is not about you directly. You are in a relationship with a sinner, so you will experience his sin. Thus, we turn a moment of ministry into a moment of anger. What do I mean? When your ears hear and your eyes see the sin, weakness, or failure of your future spouse, it is never an accident; it is always grace. God loves your future spouse, and He is committed to transforming him or her by His grace, and He has chosen you to be one of His regular tools of change. So, He will cause you to see, hear, and experience your future spouse’s need for change so that you can be an agent of His rescue. Make sure that you turn these events into moments of ministry rather than moments of anger. Biblical truth #2 – Biblical marriages are made up of sinners who are married to sinners!
3. God is Faithful, Powerful, and Willing
There is one more truth that you have to include as you are trying to look at your future marriage as realistically as possible. You are not alone in your struggle. The Bible says that God is near, so near that in your moment of need, you can reach out and touch Him because He is not far from each one of us (Acts 17:27). Yes, you live in a bad neighborhood (fallen world), and the two of you are less than perfect (sin), but in all this you are not left to your own resources. Biblical truth #3 -- The God who determined your address lives there with you and is committed to giving you everything you need.
Summary: Your future marriage needs to be grounded in the Word.
Rooted in Worship [1]
Andrea pushes the food around on her plate. Another meal eaten alone. Her husband left for work at 6am, promised to be home for dinner at 8pm, and it is now 9pm and he has not shown up. She is exhausted from caring for two small children all day. She is crushed that he has failed to keep his promise for the millionth time. As a tear coursed down her cheek, she remembered Roger’s cute smile and his gentle spirit. Somewhere along the way Roger had quit being Roger. He was working seven days a week, 14 hours a day. And when he was home, he was always distracted.
While such a situation will not happen to everyone, it is the unavoidable reality of marriage. Somehow, someway, every marriage will become a struggle. Life after the honeymoon will be radically different from the honeymoon that precedes it. Somewhere along the way, you will realize that you are a sinner married to a sinner, and you are living in a broken world. At some point you will need something sturdier than romance. You will need something deeper than shared interests and mutual attraction. You will need something more than marital survival skills. You will need something that gives you peace of heart and strength of resolve when you aren’t feeling romantic and your problems are getting you down.
What will you need to do when your marriage becomes what it was not intended to be? What will you need to do in those moments when you aren’t so attracted to your future spouse? Where will you look when you are irritated, hurt, or discouraged? Where will you reach? Where will you run? You won’t find them in your future spouse. I think the answer will surprise many of you – a biblical marriage is not rooted in romance; it is rooted in worship. This is our second portrait of a biblical marriage.
The Bible teaches us that all of us are worshipers (Romans 1:19-25). When the Bible says that all of us are worshipers, it means that every human being lives for something. All of us are digging for treasure. All of us are in pursuit of some kind of dream. Behind everything we do is some kind of hope. Every one of us is in constant pursuit of life. Being a worshiper means that you attach your identity, your meaning, your purpose, and your inner sense of well-being to something. You either get these things vertically (from the Creator) or you look to get them horizontally (from the creation). Paul says specifically that we either worship the creature or the Creator (Romans 1:25). This insight has everything to do with how a marriage becomes what it is. No marriage will be unaffected when the people in the marriage are seeking to get from the creations (think your future spouses) what they were only ever meant to get from the Creator.
Marriages must be fixed vertically before they are ever fixed horizontally. We have to deal with what is driving us before we ever deal with how we are reacting to one another. Every relationship is victimized in some way when we seek to get the surrounding creation what we were designed to get from God. When God is in His rightful place, then we are on the way to putting people in their rightful place. Or stated differently, it is only in the worship of God in our marriages that we find a reason to continue.
What does a marriage rooted in the worship of God look like?
1. A biblical marriage will flow out of a daily worship of God as Creator. In subtle and not so subtle ways we all question the Creator, and in so doing we will dishonor and disrespect our future husband or wife. We end up criticizing the other for choices (physical attributes; intellectual attributes; etc.) he or she didn’t make. We all end up asking the other to change in areas where change simply is not possible. When we celebrate the Creator, we look at one another with wonder and joy. When you look at your future spouse and see the Creator’s glory, then you feel blessed by the ways your future spouse is different.
2. A biblical marriage will flow out of a daily worship of God as Sovereign. Your future marriage will be an unfolding drama written by the wise control of a loving and sovereign God. Either you worship God as sovereign and celebrate the different way of looking at the world (birth culture; family history; etc.) that your future spouse has blessed you with, or you dishonor Him by trying to rewrite His story.
3. A biblical marriage will flow out of daily worship of God as Savior. When you celebrate God as Savior, you are confronted with the reality of how much you are in desperate need of His grace. Worshiping God as Savior also means that you find joy in being part of the work of grace that God is unrelentingly committed to doing in your future spouse’s life. That is, you look for ways of incarnating the transforming grace of the Savior.
Summary: Your future marriage needs to be rooted in worship.
Kingdom Oriented [1]
Martha had always carried her dream with her like a precious jewel. At ten she would leaf through her mother’s home magazines and imagine her home and family. At thirteen, she began cutting out pictures from numerous bridal magazines of her gown, possible bridesmaid dresses, and flower arrangements. At twenty, she had a mental checklist that a future husband had to meet. She was looking for that special man who would help her realize her dream. So, the more she got to know Bobby, the more she was attracted to him.
They dated for nearly seven years. The plan called for them to finish college, finish graduate school, and get established in their careers. Sure others thought they were crazy for waiting, but debt needed to be eliminated and money accumulated for the first home in an expensive part of town (where the best schools were for the two children – two boys – to be born into this dream family).
Unfortunately, finding out that Bobby struggled with same-gender attraction, was not part of Martha’s dream. But so many other things had fallen into place so perfectly that she took it in stride. She was strong enough to help him work through this issue. It was only after he started spending more of his free time with another man that she threw in the towel and saw her dream come crashing down.
Romans chapter 1 also teaches us a third eloquent truth that bears on a biblical marriage -- we are kingdom-oriented people. We always live in the service of one of two kingdoms. We live in service of the small, personal happiness agenda of the kingdom of self, or we live in service of the huge, origin-to-destiny agenda of the kingdom of God.
When we live for the kingdom of self, our decisions, thoughts, plans, actions, and words are directed by personal desire. We know what we want, where we want it, why we want it, how we want it, when we want it, and who we would prefer to deliver it. Think about Martha. She was not angry that Bobby had broken the laws of God’s kingdom. She was not grieved that he was in the way of what God wanted to accomplish in and through her pending marriage. No, Martha was hurt and angry because Bobby had broken the laws of her kingdom.
Perhaps this portrait tells us much more about the beginning of Martha and Bobby’s relationship than we tend to think. Maybe what they thought was love was not love at all, but something very different, masquerading as love. Remember, Martha had specific marriage and family dreams for most of her life. Although she did not realize it, Martha was searching for the one man who would be the missing piece to the puzzle that was her dream for her life. What felt like love may actually have been excitement that this man she had gotten to know seemed to fit nicely into the dream she had always had for her life.
Isn’t it tempting to think that perhaps God has gotten it all wrong. Wouldn’t it save a lot of heartache, conflict, hurt, and disappointment if God just gave us someone who really fulfills our dreams? Wouldn’t it be much easier if God worked it out so that we would be fully sanctified, then married? Wouldn’t that make marriage fundamentally easier and more enjoyable?
The reason we tend to think this way is precisely because we are captivated by the kingdom of self. We are drawn to order, predictability, comfort, ease, pleasure, appreciation, fun, and personal happiness. These things are not wrong in and of themselves, but they must not control us. We struggle with God’s plan because, when the rubber meets the road, we don’t really want what God wants. We want what we want, and we want Him to deliver it.
Think of the sturdiness of your allegiance to your own kingdom purposes. Think about how little of your anger over the last month had anything whatsoever to do with the kingdom of God. Your anger seldom comes out of a zeal for the plans, purposes, values, and calling of the kingdom of God. When you are hurt, angry, or disappointed with your fiancée, it is not because he or she has broken the laws of God’s kingdom. No, you are usually angry because your future spouse has broken the laws of your kingdom.
What does this practically mean? It means the trouble that you will face in your marriage will not be an evidence of the failure of grace. No, these future troubles are grace. They will be the tools God will use to get us to leave the confines of the kingdom of self and to join Him in advancing the kingdom of God. This means that you will never understand your future marriage and never be satisfied with it until you understand that marriage is not an end to itself. Rather, marriage has been designed by God to be a means to an end. It is only when a husband and wife each live in a purposeful and joyful allegiance to the plans, purposes, and Lord of the kingdom of God that their marriage can really be a biblical marriage.
Whose kingdom will shape your future marriage? Whose kingdom will define your dream? What really makes you happy? What is it that you want so badly for your future marriage to be? Could it perhaps be that what you think is love is not really kingdom-of-god, other-centered, other-service love? Could it be that what you actually want is for that other person to love you as much as you do? Could it be that your anger reveals how zealously committed you are to the purposes of your own kingdom? Could it be that the troubles you face in your engagement, both big and small, are not so much hassles as they are opportunities? Could it be that just when you think God had abandoned you (and your future marriage) that He is really very near, giving you the best gift ever – transforming grace? That is, the grace that rescues you from the one thing that you cannot rescue yourself from – you.
Summary: Your future marriage needs to be Kingdom-oriented.
A Marital Mason [1]
The noted English architect Sir Christopher Wren was supervising the construction of St. Paul’s cathedral in London. A journalist thought it would be interesting to interview some of the workers, so he chose three and asked them this question: “What are you doing?”
• The first replied: “I’m cutting stone for 10 shillings a day.”
• The next answered: “I’m putting in 10 hours a day on this job.”
• But the third said: “I’m helping Sir Christopher Wren construct one of London’s greatest cathedrals.”
The fourth portrait of a biblical marriage speaks to this. In His wisdom, God has crafted a life for us that does not careen from huge, consequential moment to huge, consequential moment. In fact, if you examine your life, you will see that you have actually had few of those moments. You can probably name only two or three life-changing events you have lived through. We are all the same -- the character and quality of our life is forged in little moments. Every day we lay little bricks on the foundation of what our life will be. The bricks of words said, the bricks of actions taken, the bricks of little decisions, the bricks of little thoughts, and the bricks of small-moment desires all work together to form the functional edifice that will be called your marriage. In other words, you need to view yourself as a marital mason.
Perhaps this is precisely the problem. We just don’t tend to live life this way. We tend to fall into thoughtless routines and instinctive ways of doing things. We tend to back away from the significance of little moments because they are -- little moments. The crazy thing is that the opposite is true. Little moments are significant because they are -- little moments. These are the moments that make up our lives. These are the moments that set up our future. These are the moments that shape our relationships. We need to have a day-by-day approach to everything in our lives, and if we do, we will choose our bricks carefully and place them strategically. 2 Corinthians 5:14-21 provides a model for what this day-by-day lifestyle looks like.
Read 2 Corinthians 5:14-21
This passage is a call to a particular way of thinking about and living in our relationship to God. What it calls us to in our relationship with God is a wonderful model for our relationship with one another in marriage. Paul understands that we have been reconciled to God by an act of His grace. He knew that there is no way for us to earn God’s love or deserve His favor but, having said that, he was quick to remind us that reconciliation to God is both an event and a process. Notice the words of verse 20: “We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God.” Who is the “you” that Paul is addressing? The “you” is the Corinthian church. Now, maybe you’re thinking, “Mark, if these people are believers, haven’t they already been reconciled to God?” The answer is yes and no. Yes, they have been reconciled to God in the sense of God’s acceptance of them in Christ. But there is another reconciliation that is still going on. To the degree that we continue to live for ourselves (v. 15), to that degree we still need to be reconciled to God. We need to be reconciled daily to God in confession and repentance. Likewise, are you willing to commit to focusing on a habit of daily reconciliation in your relationship with your future spouse?
Summary: Your future marriage needs you to view yourself as a marital mason.
An Effort in Gardening [1]
The fifth portrait of a biblical marriage is that marriage is just a long-term exercise in gardening. If you’ve done any gardening you know there simply aren’t any shortcuts. Gardens begin with hard work. Clearing the land isn’t fun, but it’s essential. Digging holes for the seeds isn’t enjoyable, but it is a necessary step. The regular work of watering, weeding, and pruning off wilted flowers is necessary for plant health, too.
Why is it that we don’t expect our gardens to just grow by themselves – from weedy land to lush garden – yet we expect our marriages to blossom beautifully without the daily work of pulling up weeds and planting seeds? I don’t know why we think that the most comprehensive and long-term of all human relationships can thrive without the same commitment we make to our gardens.
God’s words of commission to Jeremiah have a powerful and practical application to your commitment to work on your future marriage. The words are brief but beautifully and accurately descriptive: “See, I have set you this day over nations and over kingdoms, to pluck up and to break down, to destroy and to overthrow, to build and to plant” (Jer.1 :10). If change was to take place in Israel, God is saying that this is how it will have to happen: pluck up and break down, plant and build. God is saying that change always has two sides to it: destruction and construction. Change is needed because there are things in you, in your situation, or in your relationship that need to be uprooted or torn down.
For your future marriage to be healthy, you must have this type of destructive and constructive zeal. What are practical examples of things that will need to be destroyed (i.e., what are things that will need to be weeded)?
• Selfishness (self-appointed little sovereigns seeking to set up their own little kingdoms)
• Busyness (usually driven by materialism)
• Inattention
• Self-righteousness
• Fear (of failure, of man)
• Laziness (usually rooted in self-love)
On the other hand, what are practical examples of things that will need to be planted (or constructed)? The list in Galatians 5 -- the “fruit of the Spirit” – is the best catalog of the character qualities that will need to be cultivated in a biblical marriage:
• Love – What does a commitment to serve your future spouse in love look like? It will look like getting up in the morning and committing to searching for concrete ways to love your husband or your wife. Where does he tend to be discouraged or overwhelmed? What are the daily tasks in which she could use assistance? In what special way can you communicate your affection?
• Joy – What is joy about? It will mean looking for reasons to be thankful. It will mean being better at counting your blessings than you are at calculating your complaints. It will be about communicating appreciation. It will be about letting her know how much the things she does for you mean to you. It will be about thanking God daily for your relationship, even though it will be less than perfect.
• Peace – What does peace look like? It will mean gladly overlooking minor offenses. It will mean that you will quickly forgive. You will work to restore your relationship when something has separated you and your future spouse. You will find unity more attractive than winning and peace more compelling than power.
• Kindness – What does kindness look like? It will mean being polite and patient. It will mean not being critical. It will mean placing him/her first. It will mean not doing things that are called rude!
• Faithful – What does faithfulness look like? It begins with your thoughts and desires. It will mean not allowing yourself to fantasize about another person. It will continue with your actions. You will never do anything that would call your faithfulness into question by anyone (especially your future spouse).
• Gentleness – What does gentleness look like? It will mean that something doesn’t get damaged in the process of being handled. It will be the recognition that if you could change another person by the volume of your voice, the power of your vocabulary, and the force of your personality, Jesus would not have had to come!
• Self-Control – What does self-control look like? A good marriage will always be the result of saying no -- not to the other person, but to yourself. It will be the constant willingness to critique your thoughts, edit your words, and restrain your behavior out of love for your future spouse and love for what is right.
Summary: Your future marriage will require gardening (planting and weeding).
Gospel Implication [2]
Have you ever buttoned your shirt wrong? You know, so the holes and buttons don’t match up and the shirt looks like it was put on by an absent-minded professor? It’s amazing how distorted and disheveled one can look from not getting that first button right. Start off in the wrong place, and there’s no way to correct the problem down the line. Getting the first one right is the key to getting all of the other ones right.
Marriage is like that shirt. If you get the first thing right, then the other things/buttons of marriage – roles, communication, love, sex – all start to line up in a way that works together.
Key Idea: What you believe about God will determine the quality of your future marriage.
In this session, we learned that we are all theologians – we all think about God. Let me take a moment to explain. Everybody views life from a perspective – what some call a worldview. Our worldview is shaped by many things: our culture, our gender, our upbringing, our present situation, etc. The most profound thing that shapes anybody’s worldview is their understanding of God. What a person believes about God determines what he or she thinks about how we got here, what our ultimate meaning is, and what happens after we die. So essentially, our worldview and our perspective on life, is determined by our perspective on God. And when we talk about theology, all we are talking about is what we think about God. What you truly believe about God and what it means to live for God is your theology.
What kind of theologian are you? It’s not hard to tell. Whether we realize it or not, our ideas about this world, worship, kingdom-orientation, and everything else reveal themselves all the time in our words and deeds -- inevitably reflecting our view of God. If you listen carefully, theology spills from our lips every day.
The gospel is an endless fountain of God’s grace in your future marriage. Even when we were dead in our transgressions, God sent His Son to die in our place (Eph. 2:5). Through the work of the Holy Spirit, we were regenerated (John 3:5) and given faith to believe in His work on the cross in our stead – “For by grace we have been saved through faith…” (Eph. 2:8). To become a good theologian -- and to be able to look forward to a lifelong, thriving biblical marriage -- you must have a clear understanding of this gospel. Without it, you cannot see God, yourself, or your marriage for what they truly are. The gospel is the fountain of a thriving marriage.
[1] Paul David Tripp, “What Did You Expect”
[2] Dave Harvey, “When Sinners Say I Do”
[3] Dennis Rainey, “Preparing for Marriage”
[4] Lewis and Hendricks, “Rocking the Roles”
[5] John MacArthur, “The MacArthur New Testament Commentary: Titus”
[6] Chad Brand, “Christ-Centered Marriages: Husbands and Wives Complementing One Another”
[7] Piper and Grudem, Edited by David Kotter
[8] Gerhard Delling, “Theological Dictionary of the New Testament”
[9] Rebecca Jones, “Submission: A Lot More Giving In: Biblical Principles on Radically Honoring Husbands”
[10] John MacArthur, “The MacArthur New Testament Commentary: Ephesians”
[11] Paul David Tripp, “War of Words”
[12] Gary Chapman, “Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married”
[13] Piper and Taylor, “Sex and the Supremacy of Christ”
[14] The Village Church Position Papers
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